Having spent time covering two recent biker rallies for All About Bikes, I feel compelled to lay down a few rules for biker attire at future gatherings. Some of these rules will apply only to people of a certain age or sex. Others are universal, and must be observed by bikers of any vintage. Here are the new rules in no particular order.
1. If your arms are devoid of any semblance of a muscle, you may not wear sleeveless denim shirts. This rule applies only to men; and primarily to men in their second half-century. There is a secondary rule (1b) that prohibits the same men covered in the above specified rule from sporting tribal arm band tattoos (either real or temporary).
2. If your chest measurement is figured in length (or sag) rather than cup size, you must wear a bra, and you may not ride in a bikini top. Sadly, this rule applies men as well as women.
3. If you can no longer button your leather vest, you must wear a shirt underneath. Please note: excessive body hair does not count as said undershirt. Again, this rule applies to both sexes.
4. You may only wear rally T-shirts of rallies you have actually attended. At the Laughlin River Run, I asked a guy who was wearing a Daytona Bike Week 2011 shirt to give me his impressions of the event. He informed me that he bought the shirt on eBay and wasn’t at Bike Week. In the future, hotel or bar receipts will be used for verification.
5. Chaps that do not cover the (bare) posterior may only be worn if you meet all of the following criteria. A. You are under the age of 30. B. You are not a candidate for cellulite cream. C. Either your mother or your teenage daughter has given your look the OK.
6. T-shirts or patches that profess your toughness, your bad attitude, or what you did to the last guy who touched your bike must be verified. There will be a fighting octagon set up at all future rallies for said verification.
7. Fringes are allowed, but should be worn in moderation. Fringes that have their own fringes are strictly prohibited. Men who wear T-shirts of the variety listed in rule 6 must wear fringes into the octagon.
So that is a list of essential biker rally rules of attire. If you have additions, please submit them in the form of reader comments. They will be considered for adoption.