Features Op-Ed New Biker Rally Attire Rules to be Implemented Nationwide

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New Biker Rally Attire Rules to be Implemented Nationwide Hot

FatBikers_2Having spent time covering two recent biker rallies for All About Bikes, I feel compelled to lay down a few rules for biker attire at future gatherings. Some of these rules will apply only to people of a certain age or sex. Others are universal, and must be observed by bikers of any vintage. Here are the new rules in no particular order.

1. If your arms are devoid of any semblance of a muscle, you may not wear sleeveless denim shirts. This rule applies only to men; and primarily to men in their second half-century. There is a secondary rule (1b) that prohibits the same men covered in the above specified rule from sporting tribal arm band tattoos (either real or temporary).

2. If your chest measurement is figured in length (or sag) rather than cup size, you must wear a bra, and you may not ride in a bikini top. Sadly, this rule applies men as well as women.

3. If you can no longer button your leather vest, you must wear a shirt underneath. Please note: excessive body hair does not count as said undershirt. Again, this rule applies to both sexes.

4. You may only wear rally T-shirts of rallies you have actually attended. At the Laughlin River Run, I asked a guy who was wearing a Daytona Bike Week 2011 shirt to give me his impressions of the event. He informed me that he bought the shirt on eBay and wasn’t at Bike Week. In the future, hotel or bar receipts will be used for verification.

5. Chaps that do not cover the (bare) posterior may only be worn if you meet all of the following criteria. A. You are under the age of 30. B. You are not a candidate for cellulite cream. C. Either your mother or your teenage daughter has given your look the OK.

6. T-shirts or patches that profess your toughness, your bad attitude, or what you did to the last guy who touched your bike must be verified. There will be a fighting octagon set up at all future rallies for said verification.

7. Fringes are allowed, but should be worn in moderation. Fringes that have their own fringes are strictly prohibited. Men who wear T-shirts of the variety listed in rule 6 must wear fringes into the octagon.

So that is a list of essential biker rally rules of attire. If you have additions, please submit them in the form of reader comments. They will be considered for adoption.

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Comments  

 
-1 # Phil Merten 2011-05-23 17:59
Just say no to leather do-rags.
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0 # Lil T 2011-05-24 09:35
Nice addition with the do-rag!
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+1 # Garret 2011-06-09 13:21
Wow, aren't we salty? Tell me how you really feel? How about staying at home instead next time, k?
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0 # Garret 2011-06-09 13:23
p.s. Chaps, by definition, do not cover the "posterior".
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-1 # Ronnie 2011-06-12 09:26
You Forgot.... Note :: if you road or towed you Bike. to Event...
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+1 # Cliff 2011-06-12 11:51
You can take your rules and shove them. People who ride do so to get away from rules and the people who try to male them.
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-1 # bluemc 2011-06-12 13:57
Rule 8. NO butt cleavage! This rule applies mainly to the guys, but also applies to ladies with non proportional bodies and ladies with back hair. This also applies to lumpy ladies who can turn their bra around and it would fit better. 8b. Secondary rule applies to ladies under 35 with a butt measurement proportional to their age: BUTT CLEAVAGE IS MANDATORY!
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+1 # RoninCycler 2011-06-12 15:41
Wow, some people need to get a sense of humor! Or at least figure out what it means when an article is tagged "humor".
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-1 # Paul R 2011-06-13 05:53
Yea...I am looking at the back side of 60 and totally agree. This is not humor...it is reality. Fat old guys are gross. For some reason most of them ride H-D's. I keep my sorry old ass in shape. If you choose not to - please keep it to yourself. And keep you woman covered up. Bikes are fun... pretenders are losers.
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0 # poppymann 2011-06-13 07:51
Add goatees to the list. They must come free when you buy the stupid do rag.
No SAMCRO crap of any kind.
Baggers with 35 inch wheels and 20inch woofers that come off of trailers.
LED lighting
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0 # Lady Dy 2011-06-13 14:46
Paul R thinks fat guys are gross and most ride HD. Check out the next HONDA WING DING rally -- it'll change your mind.Riders in any shape on any bike are OK by me. Seems only rookies like to "classify" ...
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0 # Lonnie 2011-06-13 16:21
Loved the line about turning the bra around! Damn how do people let themselves go like that? I remember the first time I saw some sweaty morbidly obese clod in shorts and a tank top eating at the table next to me in a nice restaraunt. Yechhh. We have turned into a nation of absolute slobs and we wonder why the rest of the world laughs at us.
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0 # Horseman 2011-06-13 17:22
Hey. Lighten up you guys who took the as serious and offensive. My perception was this was meant to be a funny look at rallies; nothing more. Too much political correctness going on in some comments. Those people must not ever read the comics in the paper. It sure gave me a chuckle. And, it doesn't matter what someone rides, or if they ride, there is some truth included in this very funny way of putting things. I ride and I'm fat and it didn't bother me.
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0 # Fat Tattooed Guy 2011-06-13 20:18
Quoting Paul R:
Yea...I am looking at the back side of 60 and totally agree. This is not humor...it is reality. Fat old guys are gross. For some reason most of them ride H-D's. I keep my sorry old ass in shape. If you choose not to - please keep it to yourself. And keep you woman covered up. Bikes are fun... pretenders are losers.


So says the biggest pretender of all
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0 # Paul R 2011-06-14 06:15
OK....so I guess I made some mistakes vis-a-vis political correctness. So forgive me - or not. If you dig fat go for it....I just don't want to look at it. Keep it to yourself. I ride because I love to ride. I don't belong to a club or group. I ride solo. And I don't wear a costume to ride. I just put on some basic safety gear and go. I push the envelope a bit but am still kickin'. I have totaled a couple of bikes over the past 40 years but that happens.
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0 # fiddle mike 2011-06-14 10:32
Looks like pretty fair guide lines, to me. I might point out that chaps that do cover the posterior are called "pants".
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0 # Tom Magoo 2011-06-14 15:57
awesome. I think children in wheelchairs are hilarious too! Too bad all you "politically cortect" people try to take the fun out of that too.,,
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